Yet we shall make him run

While we are on the subject of poetry...

Many of you will recognise this.

It's the sampler that mum sewed back in 1970 after becoming fascinated with them. There's a line at the bottom that has always meant a lot to me.

Many years ago I asked my mum where it came from. She told me it was part of a "strange little poem" called To His Coy Mistress. The bulk of the poem amused her but was not something she felt a strong connection to, except for that last line. It's always stuck with me too. I won't generally get philosophical or spiritual-minded on all of you, but I would like to leave that line with you to relate to as you will.

--

One last note. On Saturday night a few family members will be together here in Ottawa to share a moment in Nancy's honour. If you would like to contribute, please take a moment wherever you are around 8:30pm EDT on Saturday night to toast Nancy.

much love

adam

Wednesday April 20th

I am still feeling heartsore and expect that to go on for quite a while - but I was happy to receive a lovely poem from David in my inbox this morning.

He tells me the Queen read it out at her own Mother's funeral ...

You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

A very Quiet Monday ...

It feels so quiet in Ottawa today - when I left hospice yesterday midday I had agreed with Adam that I'd be at the hospice this morning at 8 to be with Nancy for the morning ... and now there is nothing ...

I didn't cheer - I did light a candle and have a glass of wine ... we all do this whichever way we have to, and Nancy knew that I was not one for cheering when feeling sad - so I didn't cheer.

I did kiss her, and I did tell her I love her, and I also told her she is an absolute Superstar and has been in all of this. Seeing her last night - lying in her bed - I wasn't sure how I would handle that, but as with everything else she made it very easy for me. I had a fairly long conversation with her before the funeral home came to pick her up and we all walked her out of May Court.

I will miss Nancy - I believe many of us will. And it will take time for me to get used to her not being around. I will miss the emails and her popping in for tea, to plant something in the garden or to check out what was new around the house.

I hope we have provided what I set out to do - make you all feel part of her last journey. I feel that at times it became very personal but at the same time I wanted you all to know what was happening here in Ottawa as it happened. I know Adam told her about the blog so I do not feel we stepped on her dignity.

I guess there isn't much more to say, the blog has served its purpose and now it is time to heal. Because despite age or illness - Nancy was Nancy, and she was an aunt, a surogate grandmother and a dear dear friend to me and mine, and as we all know - death is very final and it is the living who needs the time to figure out a way to continue without their loved one.

RIP Nancy - with all my love, Birgitte

Goodbye Chumpy

Shortly after 8:00pm this evening Nancy quietly left us. It was painless, quick, and quiet.

So many people have been so wonderful over the past three weeks. I hope to thank you all individually in due time.

Mum was very reticent to dictate or request anything be done after her death, with one exception. She asked that everyone cheer. She wanted us all to raise our arms and cheer for her. She led a wonderful life and is to be congratulated. Please give her a cheer.

Thank you all. I'm sure we'll speak again soon.

Much love
adam

Sunday ...

Adam has said it well - and I too believe that this is no longer about us but about Nancy finishing the journey she has been on since middle March ...

I was with Nancy this morning and there is a big shift in apprerance and behaviour - and there is no doubt we are looking at a short amount of time before she will be gone and we have to continue life without her.

I started this blog initially so that everyone could get a daily update - and I know you all understand that at this point it is hard to give any updates because Nancy is in charge now - she will pass when she's ready. It could be days still and very little will change between now and then. I promise you that even with no or very little information I will still write a little every day - because I know how hard it is to wait for news and wonder what is happening.

Between the boys and myself we will try to be with Nancy as much as possible - I would move into the chair if I could ... but I have to look after my own family too. My heart is sore and tears never far away - I am sure you all know that my love for this remarkable woman is very strong. I give her everything I have when I'm with her and have no doubt she knows she is very loved by all.

B

Next stage

As we have been reminded many times, there are few certainties in this process, but it does appear that mum has moved on to the next stage in her illness. I won't go into the list of symptoms and behaviors but it's clear that she has become the "frail old lady in a hospital bed". This is in marked contrast to her previous condition, which left everyone amazed at her energy and spirit.

We don't have any way of knowing how long this will last, but we all hope that when she's ready she is able to let go easily and quickly. It probably won't be very long now.

Thank you to everyone who has made her final weeks so filled with gratification, happiness, and love. We'll keep you updated when there are changes.

Adam

Saturday, April 16th

I have just come home from the Hospice, having been there since 8.30 this morning.
 

Today was a rollercoaster - and I feel rather drained but will hang in till my little people have gone to bed and Bob can pour me a lovely glass of wine (donated by Jane!)

When I got there this morning Nancy told me that the night had been rough and pain medication had to be administered - she felt fine though and totally with it. 

She was trying to get dressed - seeing me she allowed herself to collapse on the bed and let me help her through all the different stages of getting ready for the day. She was very aware that Mark would come in today and wanted to look her best. I spent a long time with her, making sure her face was pretty and her hair straight.

She then decided that today was the day to try some porridge although this is not her favorite breakfast. Her throat is still very painful and with the porridge being warm and soft we agreed that it might soothe rather than upset her. So I went to make her a lovely breakfast tray full of orange juice, tea, porridge and pretty flowers. She was so happy.

After breakfast we agreed that she should have a little snooze before all the boys would come in and so she curled up and I sat in the chair reading.

Her breathing was strenious and I was aware that she was not that comfortable but thought that she was asleep until she cried out she was in pain and needed help. So I helped her - but even with her own suggestions and my ideas she was still very uncomfortable. Nancy was distressed and for every minute more so. The nurses heard her and came in and we agreed that pain medication was needed. They gave her a shot. 15 minutes later she was still not able to relax and was still in too much pain so I went to get the nurse and asked how much they had given her - I told them whatever the amount it wasn't helping. They then decided that an intravenous line should be put in so that they didn't have to keep poking her with needles. When they had done this she was given another shot of pain meds and a shot of something calming. She right away relaxed and felt so much better. She fell asleep within minutes.

I stayed with her for a long time - only left to bring back the car for Bob. He took me back to hospice right away and by then the boys had arrived.

I explained to them the events of the morning and it is of course upsetting to all of us that she should experience pain at any point on this journey but at least she was helped and saw the benefits of the medications.

I stayed at hospice till 4 this afternoon. I had a good conversation with my volunteer coordinator who reminded me of the many roles I'm playing at the moment and reminded me of ways to look after myself. I enjoyed that conversation and I'm grateful she came by today.

I am not going to lie to you - it was heartbreaking watching Nancy in pain - but I'm so pleased I was there to help her through it. Before I left I went in to tell her about the medications because she is terrified of the morphine - I told her I'd had a chat with the Nurse about the meds and that what they gave her is not morphine but the "first" painkiller on the list - and that if this works for people that is the one they will keep using. Nancy was so happy to hear this - and told me that it was "Heaven" when the pain subsided - she clearly knows now that pain is not something she has to endure and that if she asks it will be given if she needs it.

When I left I told her I'd be back tomorrow to make her breakfast and help her get ready for the day and for the first time since this illness she said "I'd really like that" ... I cannot tell you how happy that makes me. I keep going in, and I keep telling her that this is not a burden, that I actually want to be there - but of course it "hurts" every time she says "you should go now" because I feel I go against her wishes when I then tell her that I am not going to. For her to tell me that she actually wants me there - is a good feeling.

I want to leave you with a sweet story - Shannon, one of my favorite nurses at Hospice, is a big animal person, and she knows that Nancy loves cats. Shannon and some of the other nurses feeds cats in the garden and yesterday they grabbed this orange cat who comes every day and they brought it in to Nancy, for her to have a cuddle. There really is nothing they wouldn't do for Nancy, and she was so happy when she told me the story.

with love,

B