Adam made it possible for me to go in and spend a good amount of time with Nancy this afternoon. He took the car with three kids on the backseat - brought them here and I stayed at the hospice with John.
Nancy was certainly more tired than I've seen her the last few days but asked that I wheeled her into the River Room for us to have a little chat and enjoy that the sun was finally out.
We all have different relationships with Nancy and they are all as important as each other - mine is a very honest, very direct relationship and I often ask the question she seems to fight with in her head. I managed to calm her mind the other day when after a chat with the nurse, I was able to reassure Nancy on how her illness will progress.
Today she had other thoughts about life and death and we discussed these - well, mostly I listened and supported but there is no doubt she is thinking a lot. Nancy wants it "over with now" - would prefer to never wake tomorrow - this waiting is no fun which is not hard to understand - and as she put it "the wondering but not worrying" is certainly playing on her mind a lot.
She also sweetly told me that she's tired of talking about herself and her life - however, she is also well aware that she no longer takes great interest in other peoples futures - because of course she won't be a part of it.
For me the moment that pulled the hardest on my heart strings was when I came back having put the wheelchair away and Nancy was curled up on the bed next to John and he was stroking her hair gently - she looked like a little girl - happy, content but at the same time vulnerable ... Nancy said "this too shall pass" and I told her that she knows this is one of my favorite sayings, but that I'm struggling with using it right now and she asked "why?" and I said ... "Nancy, how will this ever pass - we are going to lose you and we have to learn to live without you" and she gently said "yes I know - you must".
Life is drawing to an end and she is wondering ...
with love,
Birgitte
beautiful post
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