Tuesday April 12th

Today was different.

I got an email from Nancy early in the morning. Another request to help her understand this illness and the timeline. I tried my best to reassure her but have very little new information to share with her.

She had a shower and then wrote me another email - it was all over the place, very confusing and mixed up - I wasn't sure why and didn't quite realize that the shower had really knocked her out.

I went in to see her at 11.15 - she was asleep and I didn't want to wake her. I sat in the hallway waiting for Christine - the Family therapist. I know her so well - and I wanted to have a chat with her. She finally emerged and I jumped in while she had lunch!

She had a good chat with Nancy this morning - trying to make her understand that Nancy belongs in hospice. That no matter how long we are looking at she belongs there. That she does not need to feel that she's taking up a bed longer than anyone else. Christine reassured her that one of the other patients has been there for 4 months and Christine told me she immidiately saw Nancy relax. I understand Nancy has never asked for anything like this in her life, but it is a great hope of mine that she'll understand soon and accept that this is where she needs to be now and that she is no burden to anyone - at all!

The leukemia is "teasing" us all because it is not playing by the "rules". The doctors have thrown timelines that didn't come to be true, and the white blood counts are showing numbers that are too good to understand - but there is no doubt that what the doctors did do right is diagnose her and put her on palliative care. She is dying and although it is taking longer than expected it is happening. We are just going to have to accept that as with most deaths there is no norm, no timeline, no "right way" and we must find the strength, love and understanding for Nancy - because no matter how hard it is for us to watch from the sideline, Nancy is the one living it, and she is confused as to what to expect and how long to expect it for!

I literally saw her for 3 minutes. I went in and her speech was slurred and she was very groggy. I told her I was going out for lunch with Adam which made her smile and feel happy in that moment. I removed her glasses and made sure she was as comfortable as could be and left her to continue her snoozing.

I want to say I hope she feels better by tomorrow - but I don't know if that is the right thing to say because that would mean she'll be even more confused tomorrow. Poor Nancy, this is not easy!

love,

B