Wednesday April 13th

Today was a lovely day for me - because I got to spend serious quality time with both John and Nancy - individually.

I got to the hospice around 11 and Nancy was fast asleep. She only just opened her eyes a tiny bit and I (again!) removed her glasses which she was sort of trying to hold on to while sleeping :) - I also managed to get a "yes please" when I asked if I could find a thin quilt to put over her.

John then asked if we should go to the river room and have a little chat - it was absolutely wonderful to have that time with him. He told me more of his ideas/plans/hopes for what to do when he soon is on his own, and he has good, solid, healthy ideas. I was overjoyed when he told me that he is thinking of doing a cruise to the UK - maybe with a couple of friends. I told him this would be my happiest news of the day. I also told him that I think he's doing great, grieving at times but also looking into the future, wondering and planning what to do when alone for the first time in many many years. He loves talking about the past and I find his stories interesting and fun - we have great laughs together and also shared a few tears today. John will be ok - because as I said to him, she'll always be there by his side in spirit and he said "that is for sure"!

After about an hour John decided it was time to leave and we went back to Nancy - she was still sound asleep. John said goodbye but she hardly registered it. I finally got to just sit with her ... watching her in her sleep and thinking sweet thoughts about her. She woke after about an hour - thirsty and grateful for some iced water.

She did dress herself again today - but I am wondering for how long she'll be able to do this - because the nurse today said doing this is what really exhausts her. I had a little chat with Nancy about not being silly, that a fall at this stage would be very unfortunate - and she promised me she wouldn't be "stupid".

I told her about John - about his plans, I shared with her how we talk about her as always being there - that John believes she'll continue to be by his side. I also shared with her that in my training there is a lot of time spent on the caregiver - things to look for, signs that the death of a loved one is too traumatic. That one of the things we have to look for is whether the caregiver has future plans - and John has many ... maybe none of them comes true, but he is able to see a future without her, he thinks of how to continue life. This calmed her so much. It makes her incredibly happy when I can tell her about my chats with him. She knows I don't let him get away with "I'm fine" as she says and I promise her I'll continue to "keep at him".

Adam arrived - we had a nice little chat and then I went home.

Nancy was more tired than I've seen before - maybe that is a sign of what to expect over the coming days?

Love,

B